Learning to Accept Yourself
Another Valentine’s Day, another blog telling you that you should celebrate yourself, indulge in some self-care, and find the true meaning of self-love...I know, it might be a cliche, but I deliver a new blog post 3 Sundays per month and it just so happens that V-Day falls on a Sunday this year—so I’m doing the thing, I’m here to talk to you about self-love.
Here’s the truth:
I couldn’t come even a mile close to loving myself without learning how to accept myself first. And I couldn’t accept myself without getting to know myself. Imagine an aggressive declaration of love on a first date and how wildly uncomfortable + rushed that would feel—depending on the person, I guess. So I couldn’t imagine being able to really connect with myself without getting to know that dude, what they like, what they don’t like, weird quirks, secrets, and her deepest desires.
This kind of love stems from authentic connection, a sense that we relate to, we value, we admire the good—as well as the, for lack of a better word, bad—parts of someone else. It’s easy to think we relate to ourselves...because we’ve been hanging out with that same person since the day we were born. If this conundrum has you feeling defensive about thinking you know yourself, and that version of you happens to be the voice in your head, go check out my blog post where I explain the disarming, but true, news: you are not your thoughts.
So, we think we know ourselves—who we are beyond that ego voice in our head, who we are in our most authentic version of self. But we change, for the better, maybe for worse, constantly. Who we knew ourselves to be ten years ago, five years ago, maybe even just a few weeks ago, is an entirely different person than we are in this moment. When we deny that our needs + desires + fears + programming are transitory, we are likely to experience a crisis of consciousness, we may feel lost, we might stay in old patterns + narratives that no longer serve who we are becoming.
That’s the question to start with, the first baby step in the right direction on the seemingly never-ending journey toward “self-love.”
Step One: Meet Yourself
That leads into step one of accepting ourselves: we have to meet ourselves exactly where we are—not where we were, or where we plan to go. Who we are today.
I mean honestly looking at our shit, our insecurities, our fears, our authentic emotions. We are heavily layered, and sifting through the collection of thoughts, memories, habits, talents, anxieties, desires, fears, etc. that make us, us, takes time. It takes presence. It takes patience.
Say hello to who you are today, not who you were….or who you wish you could be. Make a promise to yourself that this is a safe space to be exactly as you are, energetically set the intention that you will not judge what you begin to learn about yourself. You’re only human, and your right to be seen + heard should be respected by everyone, including yourself.
Step Two: Getting to know eachother
Step two of accepting ourselves requires we invest in some quality time.
Okay, you’ve met you. Now it’s time to hang out, get to know each other. But we need to get deeper than just kickin’ it alone. Although I wouldn’t sleep on bubble baths, face masks, wine + binging the Great British Baking Show, or any other version of self-care that’s become popularized in wellness spaces, I think of those activities as the dinner + a movie version of spending time with yourself. It’s surface level, it’s a good time, it gives immediate gratification...but you’re putting on a show for yourself, like a first impression. You’re not gonna share your biggest fears with a stranger over bottomless breadsticks at the Olive Garden—which I think you should if that’s authentic to you—but likely you wouldn’t.
The same resistance to dig deeper will happen if you are only investing in light-hearted forms of personal time. Step one was setting up the safe space for you to be fully yourself, and you are not always a first date version of yourself….you have a shadow, you have an armor, you have messiness within—we all do. Quality time calls for getting to know these parts of yourself.
Here are two ways you can start to dig deeper and get to know yourself
Stream of conscious journaling
Set a timer for 15 minutes, grab a journal + pen, and write anything that comes to mind until the timer is up. Do not filter, do not hesitate, and do not judge what comes out. The idea here is to give your subconscious the floor to let whatever it’s holding on to out into the open, to share with your conscious mind, to open the dialogue between our surface self + our deeper, authentic self. When you read what your subconscious has given you, respect where it’s coming from and journal with intention about how you might solve any issues coming up, or apologize to yourself for what you’ve been through, or eat a snack if that’s the most that came out of it.
Don’t expect to have eureka moments about your shadow the first time you try this out—remember, no expectations or judgements of yourself here. This practice is most beneficial when you return to it habitually, because you deserve that time investment. How much can you really learn about a person if you’re only listening to them sporadically? Quality time also means consistent time.
Meditation
In my autumn energy series, I covered how I use meditation to get in touch with my authentic + highest (or shadow) self each morning. This ritual is still my go-to today, so why not share it!
Here’s an excerpt from my blog post about Intentional Introversion:
I set an alarm for 20 minutes, sit upright with palms facing upward, have incense or candles burning, and remain in silence for the entirety of the alarm set. Sometimes I’m going into a meditation with an intention, which I ruminate on before slipping into silence. An example of an intention would be: provide me clarity on (insert creative project), or bring peace to (insert difficult obstacle in my life).
Some of my favorite realizations have come from sessions where I didn’t set an intention, and really rested in the feelings that came up. Whatever thought was consistent enough to make an impact (a change in my emotion, maybe even goosebumps on my skin), is the reward for being still and slipping into my inner truth. Whatever that persistent idea, mantra, phrase, or image is, I will immediately reflect on the realization for a few pages, or maybe even just a sentence, in my journal.
There is no right or wrong way to meditate, but there is a degree of mindfulness + documentation required if you’re looking to use the practice to learn more about your spirit. Show up to a journal after every session, and do not sensor what comes up for you. The idea here is finding that inner truth, one that cannot be controlled or filtered as it comes up. You may find over time that you are growing in ways you were not aware of before, and look forward to that 20 minutes of self-reflection + harmony.
For the sake of the blog post, I’m shelling out these practices as “steps..” but I wouldn’t say you need to master them in order, or that you won’t be working on all of these steps simultaneously, because you probably will be.
Step two will require consistent work, investing time into these rituals repeatedly in order to keep learning new things about yourself—probably for a lifetime.
And whenever you’re feeling disconnected, or have the urge to be down on yourself, you’ll want to return to step one. In the beginning, you’ll likely need to be constantly reminding yourself that you’re in a safe space and you deserve to be authentic + honest. You’ll also find you’re changing, as you check in with yourself regularly, and you will need to meet yourself exactly where you are when these changes occur.
Step three: honor yourself.
Now that we know who we are, and we’ve taken the time to get to know the deeper + darkest parts of ourselves, it’s important to remain compassionate. Even if we’re uncovering things we think we won’t like about ourselves—yeah, even our own subconscious keeps things from us in order to protect us—we’ll need to be kind to ourselves, forgive ourselves, and work together through these issues. If you’re uncovering anything you feel you cannot handle on your own, then an open dialogue with a trusted friend + family member + licensed professional should be started.
If you’re uncovering things you like about yourself, which you will, then you should be honest with yourself about how you feel. In the same way you might express to another human that you dig them + think (x) thing they do is awesome, you’re gonna need to throw yourself some admiration. Think of this as gratitude for the self.
Self-admiration tip
Make a list, each day, of 3 (or more) things you learned about yourself, things you said that were funny, things you created that were meaningful...you name it, these can be literally anything. It may feel strange at first, to write yourself compliments….especially if you’re shedding years of critical self-talk or low self-acceptance. If you have to force it at first, take all the time you need. You’ll begin to admire more things about yourself once you begin to really pay attention to who you are (see step two).
Step four is accepting yourself
Look, we made it! We’re just that much closer to loving ourselves.
You’ve been spending quality time together, you’ve created a safe space for healthy communication + inner dialogue, you’ve identified what you do—or do not—like about yourself, and you’ve cultivated the courage to be honest about how you feel about yourself + your budding relationship. After showing up for all of these steps and repeating them daily, you’re finally ready to commit. You’re ready to define the relationship—and you accept!
You can accept yourself and still aspire to grow + change + modify who you are to become your best version of self. That’s where this relationship is so different from others. We know that we cannot change someone else to be the more likable version of them we’ve constructed in our minds. We also know that the only thing we have true control over in this reality is our own thoughts, our own emotions, and our own actions.
Being critical about who you are and who you’d like to be is an act of courage that comes from finding out what you do or do not like about who you are in this moment, and changing who you are is something you have every right to do—so long as this change comes from your authentic wants + desires for yourself...not your ego, not what other people say you should become, but who you long to be after having spent so much time getting to know who you are + who you’ve been before.
It’s important to know that there isn’t anything you desire to be + do + have that you don’t already have within your authentic self. There is no external validation or circumstance that can give you that sense of self, that inner acceptance of you….you find that by going within.
Accepting yourself is coming home to yourself, and you come home to yourself when you shed what no longer serves you. Once the layers of programmed self have been removed, you’ll find there was always that perfect version of you hidden underneath who you were told to be.
When Michelangelo sculpted David—the symbol of human perfection at that time, by societal standards—from a slab of marble, he simply removed everything that was not David. The journey to self-acceptance works the same way; each day you’re chiseling away pieces of who you think you are to uncover who you truly are—a masterpiece waiting within. The process is messy, strenuous, and diligent….but the outcome is perfect, and you are worth the effort.
When you accept that this version of you exists somewhere within and you work consistently to find them, you will discover you now have an undeniable sense of pride + honor for what you’ve uncovered, and you may even find that you love them.
“Give yourself permission to feel okay. This is why we love when other people love us. Nobody else can actually transmute the sensation of love—we crave it from others because it lets us flip the mental switch that gives us permission to be happy, proud, excited, or content. The trick, the whole work of “loving ourselves,” is just learning to do it on our own.”
Happy Valentine's Day, fam! I encourage you to meet yourself today—for coffee, for a candlelit dinner, for a walk around the block. But the romance doesn’t have to end when this love-fest holiday passes. In the weeks ahead, try out these steps toward self-acceptance and see if any sparks fly.
Don’t feel discouraged when it isn’t love at first sight, you have a lifetime to get to know yourself, so long as you dedicate yourself to that journey of discovery. Why not meet your soulmate today?
At the very least, get that dude a heart-shaped box of chocolates to break the ice—everybody could use, or give, an act of kindness today—especially you.
Even if you don’t yet, know that I see you and I accept you.
Stay safe, stay well, stay present.