how I stopped treating myself like garbage
If you told me two years ago that I’d be writing about what I eat in a day on the internet, the only way I’d believe you is if you followed up with: it’s for a Buzzfeed article listing the top 10 college diets for people who hate themselves. I’ll preface my deep dive into my old habits by saying there is nothing wrong with being too broke or wildly ill equipped to cook more than an omelette or frozen dinners. I was there, as a full time college student with an internship and a waitressing job to pay the bills, I probably ate more pizza and drank more boxed wine (shouts out to Franzia) in those 4 years than I have in all of my other living years combined. I’m not here to bash on any of your habits, but I am here as proof + inspiration that you can go from a diet consisting mainly of Lunchables and grilled cheese to going vegetarian and cooking 98% of your own meals. My diet shift was gradual but monumental in defining my relationship with food and my relationship with my own body.
When I thought that I was a human dumpster, I actively filled myself with food that made me feel like garbage, cheap wine every night, and hadn’t even considered working out in over 2 years. I slept, on average, 5 hours a night, only took days off if I was violently ill or visiting my family for a (special) holiday, and transitioned from slight hangover all day to slight buzz all night up to 5 days of my week. Writing this out now, it’s actually embarrassing and cringe worthy to think about how I used to treat my body. I could probably go up to 3 weeks without eating a single vegetable (excluding iceberg lettuce on a burger or spinach on a pizza), so my usual diet consisted of 3 things: meat, cheese, and bread. And guys, it wasn’t even good meat, cheese, and bread.
In 2018, a typical day of eating consisted of:
Breakfast: 3 cups of coffee, 2 slices of (thankfully wheat) toast with peanut butter + banana on top. But, if I was in a rush or put off hitting the grocery store, I would eat a package of belVita breakfast biscuits instead.
Snacks: Usually vending machine gold, like pop chips or peanut m&ms
Lunch: Either a grilled cheese on white toast + french fries with ranch from my favorite sandwich place on campus, or I’d run home and make my own grilled cheese (kraft singles, baby! 2 of’em) with some kind of chip on the side—or to be honest, sometimes a 2nd grilled cheese on the side. If I needed to pack my lunch for a busy day, I would eat a Lunchable (the one that’s just crackers, ham slices, and cheese slices).
Dinner: Most nights, I worked at a local pizza place. While working, I’d snack on any free food I could get my hands on (the token was a “dead pie,” which we’d dig into during close after it sat on the warmer for two hours) or a salad… which was just a fourth of a head of lettuce, bacon bits, blue cheese crumbles, and a pile of blue cheese dressing. If I was lucky to have a night on campus studying, I’d hit up a pub for a sandwich + fries + beer, or just microwave some Easy Mac at home.
Evening drink: My go to post work / homework de-stress routine was drinking 1-3 glasses of Franzia boxed wine probably 4 or 5 nights a week (I don’t think the “flavor” matters much here. No hate on Franzia! but I think we’d crush a box of it a week between me, my friends, and my roommates).
It’s important to confess that this was my diet when I was just 3 months away from a catastrophic mental breakdown, which caused me to take a week off from class + work to stay with my parents and start to rebuild my sense of self from the ground up—a story for another day. I was, under the surface of my hustle, the most miserable I’ve ever been in my life. So much of our relationship with our health is rooted in how much value we believe we have as humans, and my self-worth was usually sitting around -20. Judging by the mental breakdown I suffered, this inactive-binge-drinking-processed-food diet was not sustainable, especially mixed with no sleep, no self-care, and no days off.
If any of this story resonates with you, I want to urge you to tell someone you love and work together to find the help you need to uncover the root cause of your behavior. My root issue was manic depressive behavior, and it wasn’t until I addressed my heart + mind that I was able to address my health + wellness. All of my health + wellness shifts naturally followed after around 5 months of doing spiritual + self development work. I’m not a doctor, so my advice + my story is just being shared as an example. Any problems you’re having with your mental + physical health should be consulted with a medical professional and a person you trust for support.
Okay, I’ll stop dating my past self and get into my current relationship with food + movement + rest.
We’re all finding out that wellness is really more than just working out and eating right, it also includes the media you consume, the people that you spend time with, the time you spend with yourself, your pursuit of inspiration + knowledge, and a whole lot of compassion. There is also not a damn thing wrong with eating delicious foods that you love! Grilled cheese is still my #1 favorite food, I just don’t eat it every day now. Learning how to eat intuitively, and how good my body feels when I’m fueling it with fruit, veg, whole grains, and healthy fats has completely altered my relationship with food. I eat pizza and grilled cheese because it's good as f*ck and I love it, not because I’m too sad or too tired to make something else.
I’m also not perfect (obviously we’ve seen the evidence here), so this “what I eat in a day” is just an ideal day of nutritious grubbing in an ideal week of workouts + rest. These routines fluctuate depending on how busy I am with work, if I’m vacationing, or if I’m not feeling at my best. The most important thing I’ve learned is that we cannot beat ourselves up for not operating at maximum health 100% of the time, it’s just not a fair standard to set for ourselves. When I’ve reverted to old behaviors (sad girl boxed wine) or couldn’t get out of bed to face my yoga mat, the best thing I can do is take some time to myself, assess why I felt that way, and patiently work my way back into my healthier habits. Every meal and every workout should feel like magic, because it’s powering your amazing body + mind—and food tastes so freakin’ good.
In 2020, a typical day of eating consists of:
Breakfast
Not to be dramatic, but breakfast means absolutely everything to me. I honestly cherish every last bite, every single morning, like I’ve never had something so delicious before (in reality, I eat the same breakfast almost every day).
1 banana (sliced for toast, extra chunks on the side), creamy organic peanut butter (unsweetened), toasted slice of Dave’s Killer Bread (21 whole grains and seeds), cinnamon + honey on top.
Over easy egg with salt + (a lot of) pepper + nutritional yeast, a Morning Star (or Beyond Meat if I’m feeling fancy) veggie breakfast sausage.
I usually drink 2 cups of coffee with a splash of almond milk throughout the morning.
Lunch
My lunch is always changing, depending on the meal prep / shopping list of that week, but what doesn’t change is the smoothie I drink every day. Smoothies are the key to lasting happiness, and that’s a hill I will die on.
Smoothie: 1 banana, around a cup of frozen blueberries, a dash of vanilla almond milk (unsweetened), cinnamon, a small spoon of organic creamy PB.
Salad: Spinach / spring mix bed of greens, a few spoons of sweet corn, a few spoons of black beans, 1/4 of an avocado, sliced cucumber, chunks of orange + red bell pepper, salt + pepper + garlic powder + lime juice.
Snacks :)
I like to keep bulk packages of peanuts, raisins, almonds, and sunflower seeds in my cabinet. When I’m feeling peckish between meals, I use the bulk stock to make my own trail mix.
Dinner
Again, what I eat for dinner will change depending on what I meal prepped, but the basic formula remains the same: veg, protein, carbs, and healthy fats. This week, I was feeling some Mediterranean + Italian fusion.
Power bowl: a few spoons of olive oil + rosemary couscous, a small handful of chopped spring mix greens, 1/2 sliced link of Italian veggie sausage (Tofurky brand), 1/2 whole grain tortilla (hand shredded), a few spoons of chickpeas, sliced cucumber, sautéed mushrooms, a spoon of garlic hummus, lemon juice + parsley flakes + salt + pepper + garlic powder.
Dessert
If you don’t eat some kind of dessert every night, you’re really missing out. I don’t go for a decadent slice of cheesecake each evening, but I do have something sweet before bed every day, and it’s a kind of self-care ritual I would recommend to anyone. The sweet tooth craving can shift, but right now I’ve been having a mini chocolate chip + peanut butter Lara Bar—my pro tip is zapping the bar in the microwave for 15 seconds, which melts the chocolate chips and makes it taste more like a fresh-baked brownie. I indulge in this small treat on my patio with a warm cup of sleepy time tea, a time I treat as my cool down from the day. This nightly ritual helps me transition from productivity into rest mode, and I’ve found it’s much easier to wind down after a long day if you have a “transition” ritual in place.
As for sleep, I’ve dedicated myself to getting 7-8 hours each night. Again, I’m not perfect—none of us are—so I don’t sweat it when I’m getting 5-6 hours every now and then. All we can do is strive to do better the next day, and be patient with ourselves when we falter.
For exercise, a topic I could write an entirely different blog post about, the most important thing for me is that I’m getting movement in. I used to think working out meant killing yourself on the elliptical every day, but I’m learning now that moving your body in a way that feels good, for any amount of time, almost every day, is the key to keeping up a regular workout routine. At the moment, I’m doing HIIT + body weight pilates or body weight pilates + low intensity cardio 5 days a week, each session ranging from 30-50 minutes. Pilates is an amazing way to connect with your body, and makes me feel like a badass every morning. I’m definitely not here to give you any advice on working out, unless you want to talk more about the mindset shifts required to keep up a healthy workout regime—I’ll definitely craft a post about that!
It’s been 2 years of trial and error to go from my personal rock bottom to a now sustainable and healthy relationship with my body. The #1 piece of advice I can give to anyone looking to change their relationship with their own body: do the mental work first. I had to completely fall apart in order to rebuild, and that construction lays on an entirely new foundation of self-care. When I began to see my own worth, began to value myself, speak to myself kindly, and change my beliefs about what I’m capable of, it became natural to shift my habits to fit that new self-worth. I have complete faith in this model. There is no external change strong enough to stick if the shift doesn’t happen within you as well. Our habits + patterns are really just an extension of our internal state, and my story is a prime example of how garbage self worth results in toxic habits. Give yourself the love you deserve, mentally and physically, even if you’re starting small.
Here’s a new belief to test out: I am valuable, and I am worthy of feeling good.
Whew—that was a lot of emotional unpacking for today! If you’re on a similar journey with your health, or just need someone to talk to, drop me a DM or comment below.
There’s an amazing community here who are ready to support you and help you grow.